Blockheads and Bangers: My Night at The Minecraft Movie Premiere

Last night, I witnessed cinematic history. No, not some Oscar-bait drama where everyone whispers and stares meaningfully into the distance. I’m talking about The Minecraft Movie. Yes. That Minecraft. Blocks. Creepers. Crafting tables. And somehow… absolute magic.

Let me be very clear: I do not play Minecraft. I don’t even know what half the stuff in the game is supposed to do. I once punched a tree, panicked, and then fell into a ravine. That was the extent of my gameplay. But none of that mattered last night. Because this movie? HILARIOUS. And deeply unhinged in the most beautiful way.

Jack Black as Steve is everything you never knew you needed. I don’t know who decided that Minecraft’s silent, blank-eyed protagonist should be voiced by Jack Black, but I would like to bake them a cake and also maybe propose. His comedic timing? Impeccable. His sidekick dog Dennis? ICONIC. I would die for Dennis. Dennis deserves his own spinoff trilogy and a line of merch.

But wait. It gets better. Enter: Jason Momoa as Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison—and yes, that’s his actual character name and no, I was not emotionally prepared. He somehow matched Jack Black’s energy beat for beat, which should be physically impossible, but there he was: loud, ridiculous, and absolutely perfect.

He shows up wearing a hot pink leather jacket with tassels down the sleeves, reflective Pit Viper sunglasses, and the swagger of an 80s wrestling legend. I swear, he looked like Macho Man Randy Savage crash-landed in a pixelated forest and just rolled with it. Every time he was on screen, I wanted to laugh, clap, and question reality. And just when you think he’s only comic relief? BAM. He saves the teenage main character Henry from falling to his doom. I’m not saying I teared up, but I’m also not saying I didn’t whisper “my king” under my breath.

And let’s talk about the songs. Oh my lava blocks. Jack Black sings multiple musical numbers, and each one is more absurd and perfect than the last. But the Lava Chicken Song? Chef’s kiss. Instant classic. I need it on vinyl. I need it tattooed on my soul. I caught myself humming it in the shower this morning and now I can’t stop singing, 

“La-la-la-lava ch-ch-ch-chicken
Steve’s Lava Chicken, yeah, it’s tasty as hell 

Ooh, mamacita, now you’re ringin’ the bell
Crispy and juicy, now you’re havin’ a snack 

Ooh, super spicy, it’s a lava attack”

It’s a problem. A catchy, fiery problem.

Also, whoever designed the baby villagers and baby zombies deserves a raise and possibly a Nobel Prize. The baby villagers? So cute I audibly squealed. The baby zombies? Also adorable—right before they obliterate you with one tiny, lightning-fast punch. It’s a real emotional rollercoaster. Like cuddling a kitten and then realizing the kitten is actually a land mine.

Now, here’s something I didn’t expect: the audience? Absolutely feral. People were clapping constantly—mid-scene, after songs, when Dennis did literally anything—and it caught us off guard every single time. One second I’m laughing at a llama munching grass, and the next I’m jolting out of my seat because the theater just erupted into applause like we’re at opening night of Hamilton. Wild.

And now, thanks to this film, I have decided that I need a dog. Not just any dog—a dog that will be groomed to look like he’s made of BLOCKS. Little cube-shaped legs. A square snout. Just a walking tribute to pixelated glory. If people can dye their poodles to look like tigers, I can absolutely have a Minecraft mutt named Dennis 2.0.

In conclusion: The Minecraft Movie is a chaotic masterpiece. Even if you don’t know a creeper from a compost bin, go see it. Laugh. Cry. Fall in love with a dog and a man in tassels. Leave the theater with an unhealthy obsession with cube-shaped animals. This movie has changed me, and I’m not mad about it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write a strongly worded letter to my HOA asking if I’m allowed to build a full-size replica of a Minecraft house in my backyard. Wish me luck.