Somewhere Along the Way, I Became a Photographer

I don’t know exactly when it happened.

There wasn’t a certificate. Nobody showed up at my house and handed me an official Photographer Badge. And I definitely didn’t wake up one morning suddenly understanding every button on my camera.

Honestly, half the time I’m still standing somewhere with a camera in my hand thinking, well…let’s see what happens.

But somewhere between photography assignments, self-portraits, neighborhood walks, weddings, ridiculously large borrowed lenses, Lightroom edits, and taking pictures of completely ordinary things just because the light looked pretty…

I think I became a photographer.

And that’s still a weird sentence for me to type.

It Started With Learning

When I started working toward my MFA in photography, I knew I had a lot to learn.

And I still do.

A LOT.

There are still moments when I know exactly what I want a photograph to look like but have to figure out how the heck to make the camera cooperate. There are still settings I second-guess. There are still photographs that look much better in my head than they do when I pull them up on the computer.

But something else has been happening while I’ve been learning all the technical stuff.

I’ve started seeing differently.

And I’m not sure you can put that on a syllabus.

Suddenly, Everything Looks Like a Photograph

I take my camera on walks now.

Not because I’m going somewhere particularly beautiful. Half the time I’m walking around my own neighborhood.

But now I notice things.

A bird sitting in just the right spot.

Light hitting a leaf.

Clouds that look like they’re about to open up.

The way the street looks early in the morning.

A tiny detail I probably would have walked right past a year ago.

The other day we had one of those Florida downpours that appeared out of nowhere. It lasted maybe 90 seconds.

Naturally, I grabbed my camera and ran outside.

Because apparently this is who I am now.

My lens immediately started fogging up because Florida has absolutely no respect for photographers, but I got a few pictures first.

And I loved them.

Not because they were some huge planned photography project.

Because I saw something and wanted to keep it.

I think that might be my favorite thing photography has given me.

It has made ordinary life more interesting.

Then I Turned the Camera Around

Somewhere in all of this, I started photographing myself.

And that became something I never expected.

I started an ongoing conceptual self-portrait series called The Women I Am.

Every photograph begins with the same chair and a version of me.

The mother.

The wife.

The artist.

The granddaughter.

The woman who laughs.

The woman who doubts.

The woman who rests.

The woman who remembers.

And all the other women who somehow exist inside one person at the same time.

At first, I was making photographs.

Then I realized I was telling stories.

Some of them are funny. Some are uncomfortable. Some are about people I love. Some are about parts of myself I’m still trying to understand.

And sometimes I don’t completely understand what I’m trying to say until I see the finished photograph.

That has probably been the biggest surprise of all.

Photography has become another language for me.

And Then There Were Weddings

Which brings us back to the fact that I apparently photograph weddings now, too.

Because of course I do.

A few months ago, none of this was part of the plan.

Then I became a wedding officiant.

Then I started bringing my camera.

And suddenly I wasn’t only standing in front of couples saying, repeat after me.

I was watching them through my viewfinder afterward.

And weddings have made me notice something else about the kind of photographer I want to be.

I’m not particularly interested in making everything look perfect.

I’m interested in making it look like them.

The laugh.

The weird little interaction.

The look they give each other when they think nobody is paying attention.

The dog who has absolutely no intention of cooperating with my carefully constructed photograph.

The things that might not make a technically perfect image but make a photograph feel like somebody’s actual life.

Those are the pictures I keep coming back to.

Maybe This Is What Becoming a Photographer Looks Like

I used to think there would eventually be a point when I knew enough.

I’d understand the camera completely.

I’d stop second-guessing myself.

I’d know exactly what lens I needed and exactly what settings to use and exactly what I was doing before I did it.

Then, presumably, I’d feel qualified to call myself a photographer.

I’m starting to think that’s not how this works.

Because the more I learn, the more I realize how much there still is to learn.

And weirdly, that doesn’t bother me as much anymore.

I don’t think becoming a photographer happens when you finally know everything about your camera.

Maybe it happens when you start seeing photographs everywhere.

When ordinary things make you stop.

When you start paying attention to light without realizing you’re doing it.

When a 90-second rainstorm sends you running for your camera instead of running away from the rain.

When you make something and think, Wait. I made that.

When you start telling stories you didn’t know you knew how to tell.

I still have a ridiculous amount to learn.

I hope I always do.

But lately I’ve stopped wondering whether I’m allowed to call myself a photographer.

Somewhere along the way, I became one.

And apparently, I’m just getting started.